You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
