just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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