I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
