Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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