Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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