Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
