Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
