Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I have aggressive nipples.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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