I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
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I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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