I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
