I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
