Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
