I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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