yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
