i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Quick, to the slutcave!
honey bunches of taint.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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