yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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