I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
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So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
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Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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