We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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