Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
