we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
