What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
