ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
