Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
