So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
