Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
