I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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