apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
