hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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