if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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