I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just googled if crying burns calories
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
