Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
