If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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