To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
