Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
