I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
