I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
