So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
