Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize