got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
