Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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