I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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