I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
