I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
