Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
