She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
