There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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