I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
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