Taylor Swift is so right about you.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
