For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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