Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
