I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
