First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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