i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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