Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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