I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
