he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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