Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
