We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
