That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
