I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
